If you want to have good friends, be the best friend.
In a moment where I was feeling confused about my friendship, I did a search on healthy friendships and its signs. However the friendship begins, it’s the progression that truly matters, or should I say the maintenance? I didn’t think that friendships required any work, which might be true for a childhood camaraderie but as I wobble into my adult years I realize nothing truly amazing comes without intentionality. If you’re willing to settle for anything then by all means ‘go with the flow’. Anyone who desires change on the other hand has to take the reins. That might mean going against the flow, which won’t be fun but it’ll be worth it.
I’m going to use David and Jonathan’s story as a blueprint to map out some of the signs of a healthy friendship. Friends usually have things in common and connect despite their differences. David was a son of a shepherd brought to Saul, the king, after he killed Goliath. The Bible says Jonathan became one in spirit with David and he loved him as he loved himself. There’s no way such a connection would come about without establishment of some common ground. With the difference in their class they must have had to relate authentically to become so inseparable. In his generosity, Jonathan gave David his robe, tunic, sword and belt. Now that I think about it, David was fresh from killing Goliath, probably still in the clothes he’d been sent to see his brothers in. I don’t suppose that attire is fitting for a summons in the palace so Jonathan was helping David fit in in an unfamiliar place. The former chapters delve into David’s character and its clear where his principles lie. Jonathan’s pure heart is also evident and consistent from the beginning.
As David’s achievements began to increase, Saul became increasingly threatened of him (especially given David’s anointing as the next king) and began his assassination attempts. Jonathan remained steadfast in his support, reassuring David he would be his second to him when he became king. There’s no jealousy in his acceptance. It’s like Jonathan knows what’s for him and what isn’t and is absolutely content in that realization. When Saul orders all his attendants to kill David, Jonathan warns David to flee and speaks up for him instead. I can’t imagine the courage you need to stand up for your friend to your father and king. That has to be the absolute authority after God in his life. The easiest path would be neutrality but clearly that’s not a stance Jonathan was willing to take. For a time, this act restored David and Saul’s relationship. When Saul attempts to kill David again, he runs to Jonathan asking what his crime was. David and Jonathan come up with a plan to sound out Saul and when Jonathan realizes his father is still trying to kill his friend he is so aggrieved he doesn’t eat on the second day of the feast. I bet if Jonathan ever said your pain is my pain he meant it.
While David was at Horesh during Saul’s search for him, Jonathan went to help him find strength in God. I wonder how torn he felt between the love of his father and friend. On one side is his father who wants to eliminate his competition for the throne and one the other is David, a friend that became family. I find it so interesting that David had seven brothers yet it was Jonathan he trusted and leaned on. When David received the news of Jonathan’s death in battle, he took up a lament, mourning Jonathan as his brother saying his love for him was more wonderful than that of women.
David did it.
He found platonic love so true it surpassed every other human interaction.
In their interactions they remained respectful, kind and reassuring to each other. Their trust goes unquestioned with David turning to Jonathan in his time of need and Jonathan showing up selflessly again and again for his friend. Jonathan listened, offered advice when asked for help and helped out in every crisis. David also did his best not to kill Saul, trying again and again to restore their relationship peacefully to no avail. Jonathan loved David as he loved himself. If how he treated David was a direct reflection of self-directed love, that’s a state of mind I can strive for.
Good friends will celebrate your successes and weather your storms with you. They’ll call you out with empathy and encourage you to go after your dreams. You might not always be on the same age, but respectful disagreement is possible. When you’re with people who refresh your soul, you bring out the best in each other. A good friendship is a collision of good people. Be who you need to be to find your tribe.
Bible Study
1 Samuel 18 – 2 Samuel 1
Word play
Redamancy - the act of loving the one who loves you; a love returned in full.
Musings
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