Someone once warned me: The closer you get to God the more of yourself you’ll see. I braced myself, expecting to see all my sins laid bare. I was ready for the condemnation, the groveling I’d have to do to get right with God. That should’ve been my first clue—but I couldn’t see beyond my own thought patterns.
The more I searched for God the more my beliefs were challenged. I realized I had been operating from deep-seated assumptions that had nothing to do with his nature. If I truly believed God was all-powerful why did I confine him into the character of my parents? We often expect things from our parents only God can give, and in turn, approach God expecting disappointment. When I delved into the word seeking God before examining myself, I could see the consistency of His character. All that we ask according to His will shall be given to us. But how can we know God’s will without knowing Him?
One belief I had to confront was the idea that I needed to be perfect before I could approach God. It showed up in so many subtle ways. I’d read the scripture about approaching the throne of grace boldly, totally agree with it—then pray like an unwanted beggar talking to an impatient King. It showed up in my carefully chosen words, my hesitance towards honesty, my rush to end the prayer. We often reflect on our thoughts, but I challenge you to reflect on your prayers.
What do they reveal about how you view God?
There’s no verse in the Bible that forbids processing our emotions with God. The Holy Spirit is a Helper, and as Pastor Stephanie Ike puts it, a Gentleman. He won’t force His way into places you don’t invite Him. You are allowed to say, “Holy Spirit I don’t understand how I feel, help me”. Prayer is meant to be reverent but we often overcomplicate it. When you walk into your prayer closet feeling like a circus performer ready to jump some fiery hoops instead of a child of God, then of course it’ll feel difficult. But prayer could be a sentence or a song, a waterfall or a trickle. Bring it all, with a sincere heart and our loving Father will accept it.
God is willing to work through the struggles with you. But when your identity is tied to the struggle, letting go can feel like losing yourself. The truth is, our struggles are usually symptoms of a root God is after. Yet we think, if only I stopped doing this then I’d finally be whole. Whole and accepted. Can’t you see you’re still trying to earn the access Jesus died for. The lashings on His back, the crown of thorns on His head, the nails in His hand and the spear in His side was what it took to get us access to the Throne room. The work is finished.
Do you believe it?
You’re acting what you believe. When you dress up your sin or try to play down your struggle. You deny your humanity. Jesus prayed earnestly and honestly to God in the Garden of Gethsemane. He asked for the cup of suffering to be taken from Him but ultimately for God’s will to be done. God sent an angel to strengthen Him for what was to come. When you’re honest with God He does respond; sometimes He calms the seas and sometimes He weathers the storm with you. Remind your soul that all things work for your good.
To be human is to be a weaving of complexities. Mistakes are markers of our humanity. So, stop punishing yourself for the sins Jesus forgave. Especially without consequences. Your punishment is not even the deserving penalty. Let it go. Forgiveness is not a license to beat yourself up, it’s an invitation to treat ourselves and others according to God’s will.
There’s nothing put together about Jesus crucifixion. He died publicly to redeem us. Jesus died so He could tell us, “Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more”. This is a grace we do not deserve, so rather than trying to earn it build a relationship with Christ. It is Jesus that makes us whole not behavior modification. We have our part to play but ours is not the part that redeems.
This Easter as you reflect on the work Jesus did on the cross, I pray you remember that you make God smile. That He shines his face upon you. I pray you remember His love is not a reward for how “good” you are. I pray you remember the Lord disciplines those He loves. I pray you obey because you love God rather than from a feeling of obligation. I pray you run into the arms of Jesus. The arms that are wide open for you.
Bible Study
Matthew 26-28
1 John 5:14-15
Hebrews 4:16
Musings
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