The first time I encountered a self-help book was in high school. Even then, I could say I was pretty good with words but reading that book on perfectionism was new territory. It felt like someone was giving the indescribable parts of me a voice. Like they’d gathered all the groundless parts of my psyche and validated them one by one. It was all at once painful and freeing to come face to face with such truth about yourself. To realize that all the things you did to stay in control were tethered to the parts of you that felt out of control.
The first revelation I had to face was how harmful my perfectionism was to my mental health. Up to that point I thought it was a good trait. I mean I was just a high achiever; getting the grades, doing what needed to be done, showing up fully in everything I did and I was fine. Until I wasn’t. On the occasions that I didn’t meet my unreasonable standards I was insanely self-critical and quick to tie that event to my personality and sense of worth. Unable to celebrate my victories if there were any imperfections in sight. It’s easy to reject success when your definition of it is basically self-sabotage.
So, at one of my lowest moments when I stumbled on a book (I can’t remember its name) by a Christian psychologist I was intrigued. I breezed through the chapters until I got to the one about perfectionism. That’s where it got personal. A perfectionist has very high personal standards and overly critical self-evaluations. That’s why I was burned out. I had my very own custom-made bully everywhere I went. One step out of the perfect line and a barrage of mean commentary populated my brain. And like everything that happens within, this self-criticism was projected to those around me too.
It was all or nothing for me. I was either the best or utterly useless. No in between. It’s fascinating how you can let one sector of your life totally overshadow all other sectors. The moment I didn’t meet my standards, my world was over and it’d start again once I achieved something. There was this intense fear that if I didn’t achieve my goals everything would be over. I didn’t even have this ‘everything defined’, I just knew I couldn’t lose it. It’s not easy to enjoy the journey when fear is the monster propelling your motion. Fear of failure fed procrastination and I felt stuck between the fear of trying anything new and starting things I knew I could do. If I don’t start I can’t fail. Seems like simple logic that took me years to honestly witness.
Not to toot my own horn by I was the best at throwing parties. My area of expertise? Pity parties. Criticism felt like a personal attack and I turned that internal with less than kind words. I still didn’t understand that not everyone thought like me. That when someone said they didn’t appreciate something I did they didn’t mean they didn’t like me. It was an olive branch, to learn how to relate better and be considerate of other people’s realities. Berating myself did no favors for my self esteem and pity parties prevented me from taking responsibility for my actions.
The first thing that helped me was accepting that perfectionism was a problem. I may have been achieving but I was deeply unhappy. My interpersonal relationships were hurting since I desired a specific structure in my interactions to create a fragile sense of safety. With my internal dialogue being so scathing it was difficult to trust people’s positive affirmations. That wonderful, hardworking, kind person couldn’t be me, right? I was having conversations with myself in other people’s point of view. I didn’t realize that even in my faith I was also trying to work for my savior’s approval. I couldn’t even forgive myself how could I accept salvation freely given? But Romans 3 reminds us that God’s nature is not dependent on our actions. “We have all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus”. Nothing I do will change that.
I think sometimes we need someone to tell us and show us how to take off that burden. Any learned habit can be unlearned. There’s so much we can learn from books, psychologists and other people who have been exactly where we are right now. The answers are out there if you only begin to search. Let your failure inspire you as much as the success does. Trust in God’s promise despite your present situations. Positive affirmations do make a difference as you work to overpower the critical voice within. What you do doesn’t have to equate to who you are. You are enough not because of what you can do, but because of who you are.
Word play
Atelophobia- the fear of imperfection. The fear of never being good enough.
Musings
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I've enjoyed and learned something reading it. I like it
I feel so much better after reading this 🫶